Utah: St George Utah Home

That wuz de dought dat entered mah' mind early Friday mo'nin', as ah' sped east on rainy-yet-moonlit Interstate 40 near Holbrook, Ariz. The mama wuz asleep, and da damn only way to keep ha' dat way, so's she could roll later, wuz to ride in absolute silence, which left me to mah' doughts.

Afta' debatin' de merits uh Petrified Fo'est bein' some nashunal park, relivin' memo'ies uh mah' last road trip to Albuquerque - dink 40 miles uh snow followed by 80 miles uh ice - and figurin' out 'esactly how some 560-mile roll wuz goin' to snatch nine hours instead uh some seemin'ly reasonable seven o' eight, ah' started to dink about whut ah' wuz doin'.

"Yep, self, drivin' 560 miles to watch de Rebels on television be plum weird."

The Mountain West's new television netwo'k, The Mtn., be in its second mond, and it still kin't be seen in Las Vegas. In fact, de only places where it be on are in Utah (and no'd Utah - er, Idaho - where BYU fans carve little Y's in deir potatoes all summa' waitin' fo' ball to begin), Colo'ado and Albuquerque.

My hope wuz to find da damn bar closest to Las Vegas showin' Saturday's UNLV ball game at Colo'ado State. NoDin' in Utah qualified, since any baaaad bar gotss'ta an admission fee and bea' wiD an alcohol content 'spressed in scientific notashun (3.2%x10^-13). Even Albuquerque would be some stretch - afta' all, how many self-respectin' bars gotss' cable instead uh satellite? And on UNM's plantashuncomin' weekend, would anyone care?

ah' searched. ah' struggled. ah' made phone calls and sent e-mails. Finally, ah' found da damn place.

Sneakerz Spo'ts Bar gotss'ta been knode to harbo' UNM fans durin' road games, and ah' hoped dat some Colo'ado State o' UNLV alumni in fo' de Albuquerque Balloon Fiesta might stop by durin' de broadcast.

But as ah' settled in and asked da damn barkeep to turn on "The Mountain," as it's pronounced, it looked likes ah' wuz goin' to gotss'ta wait fo' some company. The only colo's anyone in De buildin' cared about at da damn moment wuz crimson and burnt o'ange, wiD Oklahoma and Texas already sheeit unda' way.

The bartenda' had no idea whut stashun The Mtn. wuz on and had to ask around. Soon, de TV in front uh me looked plum likes some Rebel ball telecast used to look - commercials fo' some bunch uh Utah and Colo'ado companies such as Sinclair gasoline and da damn St. Geo'ge Chamba' uh Commerce. All dat wuz missin' wuz Dave McCann and da damn Spo'tsWest teasers.

But it's not. As de dree straight crib ads reminded me, dis wuz ¦ The Mtn.

And da damn broadcast wuzn't half bad-ass. The TV crew did some baaaad job, De folks callin' De game knowed whut Dey wuz rapin' about and didn't need cliches to say it, and Tim Neverett's presence on De sidelines answered Dat "Whateva' happened to ¦" quesshun - if only De folks back plantashun could see it.

It certainly went off betta' dan Fox Spo'ts' broadcast uh de Washin'ton-USC game, in which de in-house "Fox Box" game clock malfuncshuned, and da damn fust-waaay down marka' wuz supuh'imposed on players' unifo'ms as much as it wuz on de field.

ah' left da damn bar in De second quarter, still De only sucka' not payin' attenshun to De ball game in No'man, Okla., and drove back to mah' in-laws' crib across town.

ah' gots back plum in time fo' De halftime show, which wuz De lowlight uh De broadcast. ah' hope Dat The Mtn. isn't usin' its halftime crew as some sellin' point as it tries to convince Cox Cable and DirecTV Dat sucka's actually wants' to watch Dis netwo'k.

The crew offered little insight. Halftime host Courtney Geo'ge referred to UNLV's six fust-half passin' yards by sayin', "At least Dey gots above zero, Dey're at six." Later, Dere wuz Dis Geo'ge gem, dig dis: "Let's plum hope Dis duzn't go into overtime. What some baaaad battle here." And studio analysts Jay Leeuwenburg and Marius Payton wuz about as polished fo' TV as, sheeit, De Rebels' fust-half offense.

Mercifully, halftime wuz only 15 minutes, and da damn crew fum Fo't Collins took ova' fo' de rest uh de afternoon. Commentato's Rich Cellini and Raz'tus Berga' managed to keep de broadcast interestin' as it descended into garbage time wid de Rams' lead.

CSTV and The Mtn. gotss' put togeda' some pretty impressive presentashun uh Mountain West Conference spo'ts. ah' kin see why deir representatives are insistin' on top dollar fum cable providers across de West.

But ah' kin't blame da damn cable companies, eider. Afta' all, how many oder Las Vegans wuz crazy enough to roll 560 miles to watch some 1-3 team play ball?

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